Short Scary Story

Hey guys, I wrote a short story, it's a page long, and I wanted to know what you guys thought of it. Feel free to leave any imporovements/suggestions/opinions. Thank you for reading .

I lived in a house. Distant from any town. Very remote. Closest was about a mile away. A backyard, isolated by a forest. I knew these woods pretty well. Well enough to know there was a VERY old haunted house deep inside them which had burned down decades ago. Although, I had never been close enough to it. So I decided to call my friends over, so we could explore. Without even a doubt of something going wrong, not even the slightest concern, we ventured deep into the woods. No one could hear us scream or shout if we did. We didn’t think of any problems that we could come across. None of us believed in the supernatural. At least, not yet…

It was cloudy and leaves were crunching beneath our feet with every step we took. The clouds only got greyer and the weather only got colder as us three went along. The trees with razor sharp branches, they were sort of pointing the way for us, showing us where to go and how to get there. With every turn, a new branch, a new direction. Quiet weird and unpleasant. Did someone shape it like this? Maybe the wind storm earlier had bent it a little. Maybe it was made like this. But none of us knew. It wasn’t long before I had this sense, in fact, we all had this feeling of, eyes, inspecting us, staring us down, like a lion and its prey, just watching…We looked around us to see if we could find signs of footprints or even people. Nothing. We just shook it off, thinking we were paranoid, and continued.

Only minutes after that feeling, which was still there, I looked over to one of my friends to ask a question, he was pale. As white as a sheet of paper. Like he had never seen the sun before. He also was looking, thinner, eyes bulging with a dark vivid red. Odd…He seemed trippy, drunk almost. He was dragging his feet on the ground. We kind of just let him be, thinking he was tired, and didn’t want to ask him, because we were scared of the outcome.

Soon afterwards, thunder, very loud and powerful thunder. I lost control. I was walking and walking and walking. I couldn’t stop even if I wanted too. I…I had lost control. I wanted to scream! To break free! Tell my friends to run before they were stuck too. But nothing. I felt my mouth suddenly go dry. I hear a very faint whisper, but it sounded so close, it sent shivers down my spine, it said: “Don’t go home.” It was repeated, but louder. “DON’T GO HOME!” I heard a defining scream. I suddenly regained control. Yelling for my friends to run, the pale one was now unresponsive and had fell to the floor. Lighting struck terrifyingly close to us. I grabbed him, the other was well aware of the current situation. We ran, I have never ran this fast…ever, and I’m a pretty fast runner. What that voice had said was constantly going through my head. Why was it saying don’t go home? What did it mean?

We soon arrived at my house. I threw up from running so fast. The door, unlocked, as usual, no red flags. Although, as I opened the door forcefully, the smell of death itself filled the room. Blood over the walls. Smeared everywhere. My parents in the corner, shaking, holding a knife, shivering with fear. I have never seen them so petrified. And the blood on the walls has spelled: “You’re next…”

 

Scary

 

ooo i love it
but its a little choppy, try and start your sentences off with less I's, He's, and We's

 

this only made me cringe

 

Yeah I noticed that after reading through it

 

Honestly though have you considered becoming a writer? this is really good!

 

Is it? Thank you.

 

nice story! one tip though: most books i have read don't use full capital words like DONT GO HOME!

usually i see that when there is like a warning sign "DO NOT ENTER"

if you want to exclaim something i think it's better to just use exclamation points

other than a couple other small mistakes that aren't worth pointing out the story is really good! spooky

 

Thank you for the feedback

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 8, 2016, Original Post Date: Feb 8, 2016 ---

And yes I have, I just thought I could be better And I will also be posting more storied weekly. Every friday or sunday.

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 8, 2016 ---

Is that a good or a bad tthing. Sorry I'm just having a hard time figuring it out

 

This is pretty good, you should start a mini series! I kinda got shivers down my spine. Quick someone hold me I got scared..xD jk

 

This was a really good story, you have a really good imagination

THIS IS THE PART WHEN I SAY I DON'T WANT YA IM STRONGER THAN I'VE BEEN BEFORE THIS IS THE PART WHEN I BREAK FREE!! Sorry i felt a need to do that.

 

Ok if you want me to be perfectly honest this is kinda cliche and te sentences are usually too short. You could probably condense a few of those paragraphs into a few sentences. and remember, commas are your friend. You have potential though, some parts were pretty descriptive

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 8, 2016, Original Post Date: Feb 8, 2016 ---

I feel like it might even be better if it weren't capitalized or emphasized at all

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 8, 2016 ---

Also the end is unclear. With the parents holding the knife it makes it seem as if they did it. Were they possessed?
Also the Lightning was kind of weird

 

Everyone on here is being too nice so I'm gonna dish out the hard truth. You basically took the worst cliches in old horror movies and tried to tie them together through the overuse of similes that really don't make any sense. Your sentences. Another problem. Were also. Way too short. Work on stretching out your sentences and describing things more clearly. Also there was absolutely 0 character development and no dialogue.

 

^

 

The whole point of this was to include pathetic fallecy and foreshadow

--- Double Post Merged, Feb 9, 2016, Original Post Date: Feb 9, 2016 ---

That's why there was no dialogue or character development. This was actually homework which I limited me to only writing a page. If you want I could write a better longer version of it.

 

Lmao who actually bothered reading this

 

I honesty thought it was pretty good! Yes, there are quite a few things that could be improved, but, I'd suggest writing another draft of it, using the feedback we've given you!

It'll make it really nice! Great job!

 

Big baby LOOL I'm shocked I'm hurt I can feel the pain

 

Honestly? I thought it was decent.

People saying it was a cliché, no character development, short sentences...

It accomplished your intention just about well. You don't care about characters in a short story. Emotionally binding to a character is a long process, there is absolutely no need here to describe the boys, they are just a 'tool' used to develop the story.

Short sentences - again. It fits great. You don't want to have long, elaborate sentences in an action filled scene. Text writing 101. You want them short, precise. It gradates the situation - perfect.

You had a couple typos {too - to}, tenses didn't match {you started a paragraph in the past tense, used present tense in the middle}.

But overall, decent. Really liked it

 

Ooooh big guy ryt here