100k GIVEAWAY

Post your best joke you can think of. The 3 funniest will win.
1st: 100k
2nd: 10k
3rd: 1k


Wil end in a week or 2


Only post one joke


If you post multiple times, I will only count the first one


Heres a joke



What do you get when you combine plastik ans a stick
















Plasticky




HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHHSHAHA



EDIT: if you want to change your entry, edit your original post.

 

Donald Trump

 

"An intellectual came to check in on a friend who was seriously ill. When the man's wife said that he had 'departed,' the intellectual replied: 'When he arrives back, will you tell him that I stopped by?'"

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

 

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

 

A Canadian psychologist is 
selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog 
is smarter than you.

 

Me: The only way I would kiss someone is if they're drowing and I would have to do CPR.
Friend: They took mouth-to-mouth out of CPR...

Me: GOD DAMMIT.

 

My life.

(Yes, I know that it's an over-used cliché... but it's true.)

 

Ok, so 2 strings are walking down the street, and the first one says "man, im really thirsty, too bad there's a strong anti-string sentiment in this town, I bet the bars won't serve us." the second string goes "nah, it'll be fine, im sure the bar is run by respectable people" so they walk in, and the bar tender tells them to leave because the bar doesn't serve strings. The 2 strings are outside the bar, and there still thirsty, so the second one starts biting his ends and twisting himself, the 1st one says "dude, what are you doing" but the second string just tells him to do what he does, so they do it, and walk back into the bar. The bar tender says "didn't i just tell you guys to leave?" and the strings reply, "no, im a fraid knot" (im afraid not)

 

And Intelligent Liverpool supporter (can be replaced with any team member), The Easter bunny, A unicorn and a drunk old man where walking down the street.
There is a $100 not lying in the gutter.
Who Picks up the money?














The Drunk old man because the other 3 are mythical creatures.

 

Best joke




























you




jk thanks for doing this bud

 

Whats brown and sticky






















A stick



Hahahahahhahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahaha

 

I'm gonna tell ye a story me fine friendo(warning a bit long, but I want to share a joke I had with a friend)! So one day, Fuzzlr, Oklingo, and LadyCassandra are all hit by a bus and die from lead poisoning from the inner workings of the bus. All three go up the heaven and meet the big man themselves. God looks down on the three, and with a thundering voice gives them the one rule of heaven, one must never sit on a yellow duck. Fuzzlr, Oklingo, and LadyCassandra all scoff, what a ridiculous rule, but they all promise to follow it. A week passes without incident, Oklingo is off partying, Fuzzlr has taken twenty people to build statues of himself, and LadyCassandra is gaming. A month passes and the three decide to meet up at the gates of heaven once again to see what's up.
LadyCassandra and Fuzzlr get to the gates first and talk about the times they've both had. Fuzzlr brags about the empire he's built with his slaves, and LadyCassandra talks about the games she's played, one of which being minecraft 2, revenge of the pig. They hear a clanging sound and turn to see Oklingo chained to the ugliest woman alive. Fuzzlr and LadyCassandra gasp and ask what happened. Oklingo sits down and says while he was clubbing with his friends, he tripped and fell on a yellow duck. Fuzzlr and LadyCass laugh, but stop when they see the sadness in Oklingo's eyes. The next day they meet up once again and this time LadyCassandra approaches chained to the ugliest man alive. As it turns out, sitting on yellow ducks in games is still illegal, crazy I know! The day passes and they meet up once again, only this time Fuzzlr is chained to the most gorgeous women, a perfect 10/10, a total knockout. LadyCass and Oklingo ask what he did to be chained to such a gorgeous women. Fuzzlr looks down in shame as the women pipes up, "Oh, I sat on a yellow duck!" Hope you enjoyed my horrible joke!
(Sorry for picking on you Fuzzlr, you look great(I think). I couldn't think of a third person who wouldn't care to read this)

 

Had dinner with flibergdde the other night and discovered he loves to play chess, I found this out when I asked him to hand me the salt.... the tablecloth had a check pattern and it took him two hours to pass me the salt.

 

...

 

Oh I see how it is, you respond to his and not mine! (Also, EnchantedArcher's joke is a chess joke the salt being the white pieces. He would move the white piece very slowly across the checkered(board) table.)

 

A seal walks into a club...

 

Batman: All my traps are in place. This time I'll finally catch him!
Robin: The Joker?
Batman: Santa.

 

I know.

 

Did I ever tell you the joke about the banana? It must've slipped my mind.
Man that pun was pun-ishment. It wasn't even punny. These puns have to be punctual afterall.
I think I may have a problem. I can't stop pun-dering about puns.

All joking aside, here's the real joke:
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one goes to the bar tender and says, "I'll have a glass of h2o please."
The second scientist then walks up and says, "I'll just have a glass of water."
He then turns to the first scientist and asks, "Why did you say H2O? We're not in a lab anymore. You don't have to say that."
The first scientist storms off, angry that his assassination attempt failed.