Best Posts in Thread: Survival Minecrafting Like A Grown Adult

This is a guide, that while seeming like a joke, is an efficient introduction to survival minecraft. It is meant primarily for those who want to get started in the Wild. [edited to comply with rules on foul language]

Day One:

You don’t just spawn in, you come in at break neck speed in a perpetual one arm pull up hanging butt-naked from the adams apple of a large majestic eagle. You descend wingless and without parachute being drug hurtling towards the ground by the sheer weight of your massive balls of steel.

Upon touching down in a fervor that would make Michael Bay's special effects team feel inadequate you survey the area for the biggest baddest tree in the yard.

It’s time to get serious now.

Approach the tree with a gait that makes the tree shrink at least 6 inches in every direction, as if clenching its collective butt-cheeks.

Starting at the base of the trunk, hurtle your fists at its weak wimpy flesh until it fires out with such force to form a condensed cube of its former self and leaves space and time in such shock that gravity forgets its duty and the tree hangs there in mid air, speechless.

Collect 2 more fear ridden logs from the sorry excuse for an organism. Leave the tree suspended, weeping softly to itself.

Using nothing but your inventory screen and your bare hands schuck the logs into wood planks, clutching 12 planks in your mighty grasp. Smile up at the tree menacingly as you convert 4 of these planks in your inventory to a workbench, a proper place to “man”ipulate elements to your will.

Place the workbench where the base of the tree once stood, further mocking its incredibly finite existence. Craft the remaining planks into 4 sticks, combine 2 of them with 3 planks to form a wooden axe.

Hop onto the workbench striking a pose that makes captain morgan feel inadequate and render the rest of the logs from the tree. Remark mentally how this is just like beating someone with their own arm.

Collect any apple and sapling shaped tears that were shed as the tree faded from its miserable existence.

In addition to the axe, make a pickaxe as well, carrying on the theme of beating things with their own arms.

Strip the land of its grass covered dirt skin until you have at least 51, ensure that you have done so to expose the tender cobblestone flesh to the light of day. Mine at least 4 cobblestone, leaving a wound to let this world know where you’re headed next.

Construct a 3x3 hollow square on the ground, lay 6 more layers on top of this structure until it resembles a testament to your dominance over this land, so that terror may be felt by the elements of the world having to gaze up at its impressive spire. Cap it off with not 1 but 2 blocks to seal it up. Now bash a 2 tall hole into one side to remind it who is the boss. “Man”ipulate 6 planks into a rudimentary door, and jam it into the fresh orifice of your creation.

Survey the area for any inferior forms of animal life, and bludgeon them with the arm of your first victim while the trees look on in horror.

Bonus points for doing so bare-handed, extracting only the juiciest cuts of meat from your prey in a fashion that makes Kah-lee-mah look like a drooling toddler thumbing jello excitedly.

When your tools finally succumb to their inherent weakness, render another tree to the ground in a manner equally grueling to the first victim and resume slaughtering anything that dares move until the sun begins to back away slowly no longer able to withstand the horror of your rampage. This time craft stone versions of these tools.

Head into your house and close the door, routinely, while the sun cowars behind the planet, glare menacingly at your next victims through the mutilated corpse of their fallen comrade.


Day Two.... soon.

 

That, is the best thing I've ever read.